An invitation

Once again I am cuddled up next to a sick kiddo. Will still has the flu, and he is absolutely exhausted from coughing so much. He finally, mercifully, conked out a few minutes ago. It's so comforting to hear his steady breathing and to see his red-rimmed eyes finally closed for a bit. At 4:45 a.m. this morning, he woke up in a fit of coughing and couldn't go back to sleep. After spilling tears of sorrow and frustration over being unable to go to school YET ANOTHER DAY (he hasn't been to school in almost two weeks now), he finally consented to try sitting up with Trey in the recliner to see if that would stop the cough. A few episodes of Tom & Jerry and The Flintstones didn't stop the coughing but sure helped his spirits. A run to Bunkie's for a chocolate twist and donut holes, and we got to see him smile again. It's great to be a kid, isn't it? Remember those simpler days?!?!?


From reminiscing about childhood to thinking deep thoughts about God. There must be a connection there, but that's how fast my mind shifts gears. Listening to Will breathe makes me think about something Terry (my counselor) taught me about the word spirit. Here's what the dictionary has to say about the origins of the word: 1200–50; Middle English  (noun) < Latin spīritus  orig., abreathing, equivalent to spīri-,  combining form representingspīrāre  to breathe + -tus  suffix of v. action. So breath and spirit are closely linked; when you breathe, you are literally breathing in spirit. For me, deep breathing is a very calming activity. When I was in the initial stages of grieving, it literally felt as if I couldn't catch a breath. I felt as if I were drowning in hurt and sorrow. Back in April of 2010, I couldn't even walk around the block without Trey's help. I felt as if the breath had been knocked out of me. 


This metaphor is not, in my mind, a coincidental one. My dear friend Lynn doesn't believe in coincidences at all. She's not superstitious; she's just convinced that God doesn't make mistakes and what we perceive to be coincidences are really not that at all. I think of it this way...coincidences are simply moments in which we catch God nudging us closer toward His dream for us. So as I am listening to my beautiful son's breathing, it makes my heart softly glow. Does that mean that I am closer to God in that moment? Certainly each time I look at Will, I am reminded of his miraculous little self and how special he is. Am I also seeing a little glimpse of Heaven in that moment of love? I think so.


Back to the coincidental nature of life. Yesterday when I decided to write again, I had no idea where this new path would take me and whether anyone would be even a tiny bit interested in my musings. It's no big secret how much time I spend trying to find God and how often since Kate's death I have wondered where He is. But who wants to read about that? It's kind of depressing in a way, isn't it? So I shut down the Internet for a bit and went to my Inbox. There was a message from Pastor Clayton about his upcoming sermon series. I want to plagiarize his words. This is his description of the upcoming sermons: 

This Sunday we are starting a new series called "Who is God?" We will be exploring some common questions that people have about the Christian faith. I have encountered various forms of these questions in talking with people who find things about Christianity hard to accept. Some of these unanswered questions have caused people to leave the church or reject faith altogether. We'll begin this Sunday with a sermon called "Is God Real?" and we'll explore not only whether believing in God makes sense but what kind of God you believe in. The other sermons in the series will focus on God and science, why bad things happen, and does prayer make a difference. If you know someone who has struggled with one or more of these questions I encourage you to invite them to worship! Can you believe it? Here I was starting a blog about what it's like to be a mourning mom and Pastor Clayton decides to preach about what it's like to be a doubting Christian. When I was grieving deeply, I literally got the "spirit" knocked out of me. And when I lost that connection to spirit, I lost my faith in God. Deep mourning and doubting may not be conjoined twins for everyone, but they certainly were for me. Here's the other interesting coincidence. Throughout my time of mourning, I have been feeling more and more adamantly that Kate's death can't have been for nothing-- that there has to be a positive end to her story. Over and over I have been struck by the interconnectedness of people, about how we are all grieving in some way, that our grief may be about different losses, but it's there nevertheless. Maybe other people are doubting like me. And doubting doesn't equate to atheism. It's more about needing concrete answers that aren't there and learning to rely on faith. Have I been brought to this blog today because someone needs to be sitting in the pews of First United Methodist Church Richardson to hear Pastor Clayton talk about faith and doubt? If so, it's an open invitation. Check out the church website for information about services. Will's up again...that nasty cough. We're headed out the door to the doctor's office. That's enough musings for today. Blessings...