Well, the cookies were an utter disaster. I am headed to a bakery in the morning to purchase said cookies for a ridiculous fee simply because I procrastinated...I digress.
I'm not really sure if I am comfortable in this new blog format, and I don't know how long I will last at it. I just don''t see myself as a blogger. Try ThePioneerWoman.com. Now that's one seriously fun blog to read. And of course I have my own personal favorites from my friends Beth and Casey, but I am not a part of the bloggers' world, nor do I think I ever will be.
But here's the rub. More than ever, I have such a strong desire to clarify my thoughts about God in writing, and maybe it helps other people to know that they aren't alone when they doubt. Having said that, it makes me feel strange to know that anyone on the planet could read what I am writing right now as soon as I post even though I am really only writing for myself. Before, when I was writing on the carepages, it felt safe...as if I was simply talking to my friends. Everyone reading it had a love for or vested interest in my little family and knew Kate's story. Those reading the carepages saw my faith falter and yet survive in some way.
At any rate, it wasn't until Kate was born that I really started focusing on God in such an acute way. Sure, I had given Him a tremendous amount of attention when I made the decision to convert to Catholicism in my mid-twenties. That period in my life was one of the most content stages of my spiritual journey. I will never forget doing Stations of the Cross for the first time. As I knelt at each station, silent tears streamed down my cheeks as I considered - really FELT - for the first time the enormity of Christ's sacrifice for man and the kind of love He must have felt to be willing to endure such an agonizing journey. But that was the easy part. No sacrifice required on my part - only on His. And then my second angel was born, Will being the first, of course. Watching her struggle and fighting for her required me to talk to God ALOT more than usual, and not everything I said was kind.
So here I am, 14 months after her death, still trying to figure out where God is, who He is, and what He is going to mean to me now that the "rubber has hit the road." Trey and I have experienced the greatest loss a parent is ever asked to endure, and we have to find God again. I can't sleep tonight because there are hundreds of thoughts swimming around in my brain that desperately want to be clarified, but I am simply too tired. Maybe it's the Tamilflu...or the Lexipro...or the Tylenol...or the Hot Tamales (thanks, Angie), but I just can't make a coherent thought tonight other than to say that writing here feels really weird and I hope I find a way to make it okay...maybe if I just got over myself and realized that probably only my six followers are reading anyway and they are already used to my ramblings, so I should just relax. Maybe an hour or two of sleep will clear it up a bit.
Blessings...
Hi Patti. I think about you and Trey often. I can't imagine your pain. But you have a wonderful way of expressing yourself. Add me as another reader of your blog.
ReplyDeleteRaegan Clark Hanson
P,
ReplyDeleteI have a friend in California whose sister is really battling Hodgkins disease. She has been fighting for years now and is constantly taking chemo and struggling against the odds. My friend questions her faith, why this is happening to her sister, will prayer save her, etc. I know she is following your blog and told me the other day how much comfort she takes from your writing. You've always had a wide circle of friends, but you are touching more people than you know and helping them.
I love you. John